Is there really a Desi Community in America?

Desi Connections – do they exist?

Live, love and laughter are three important words when it comes to connecting and having fun.  We all need to live, as that is what life is about.  Experiencing new and important worldly events is what makes life meaningful and beautiful.  Without living, we would surely feel as if we were missing out…don’t you agree?  Love, we all need to be loved and to love.  Without that emotion, we would feel empty, hollow and bitter.  Laughter is as important as drinking water.  Without laughing, we wouldn’t be expressing our inner happiness and fun that we are having at the world’s expense.

As a desi growing up in the United States of America, it has been quite a journey.  Searching for connection and warmth hasn’t always been easy. I think we all need to feel as though we are  a part of something bigger than just ourselves and thus the need for connection comes into play.  It doesn’t help that our history in this country is so short.  I mean our parents migrated from the Motherland in the 60’s and 70’s.  In order to find out anything about our roots and our history, we have to return to India and seek answers.  That can be quite a difficult task when we are so busy with our daily lives, such as school, work, friends, extra-curricular activities, and daily routines.

Since we spend the majority of our lives in America, we have to seek out connection and happiness from the community that we live around.  Granted, we don’t all have the same experiences.  We have different experiences based on where we live, who we are and who we meet in our life’s journey.   Although, we can’t change the cards that we are dealt, we can change how the game is played (or something to that effect).

What do you think about when you think of the words Desi Community?  When I think of the word Community, I think of connection, similarity, bonding and spirit. Do desis really have a sense of community?  People who consider themselves desi attend desi events.  Doesn’t the term “desi” mean Indian people?  However, isn’t that a broad spectrum of people?  I mean in India, everyone is so different, just like America.  America is a melting pot of different cultures, communities, socio-economic backgrounds, social experiences, etc….how can you find likeness in America?

Caucasians and African Americans usually find likeness with people they grew up around and they have had generations of family settled for years.   Caucasians are Europeans who have been mixed together by different ethnic backgrounds from different countries in Europe.  In order to differentiate between communities they have adopted a Philadelphia accent, New York based accent or Southern accent and they established a real sense of community with their home and school environment.

When I was in high school, there was one other Indian girl in my class and one  Pakistani boy in my class.  All three of us  had a completely different childhood and growing up process.  We picked different areas of academia, are in completely different professions, attracted different kinds of people in our lives and are at a different place in our life today.  None of us are or were friends with one another.

There were also a limited number of desis in my town, who unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you look at it) I got to know in my 20’s through an organization called Network of Indian Professionals (NETIP).  After meeting them, I realized that we were all completely different.  We were connected to different aspects of the Indian culture, we attracted different types of people in our lives, we had a different sense of style and had no interest in bonding or connecting with one another.

I also witnessed other “norms” in America.  I have seen desis who grew up in America and spent their summers in India.  Their parents lived in India half the time and America the other half of the time.  Their children bonded closely with their relatives and family friends.  Today in their 30’s and 40’s, they have a very good social network and strong sense of cultural identity.  They feel that sense of community connection and have found good partners to make them happy.

The question that still remains strong in my mind is do desis feel a sense of connection with one another they randomly try and meet in social settings?

Are all Desis the Same?

One thing I have learned after years of growing and exploring is that everyone comes with their own luck and destiny.  You may think that you have it the same way as someone else who is desi and born and raised in America, but you don’t.   When you are in your adolescence and twenties, you want to do what the norm is.  If everyone around you wants to be more Indian, then so do you.  If everyone wants to be more American, then so do you.  It depends on where you are living, your social experiences and how much impact your family has in shaping your cultural life.

Does a Desi Outfit make you more Desi?

In my younger years, I use to see other desis who grew up in Caucasian neighborhoods and I use to think that we were alike.  Our experiences would be the same and we would grow up thinking the same way.  I used to perceive girls who wore desi outfits on a regular basis  as more cultural than me.   I never understood the concept of balancing two cultures simultaneously and therefore could not relate to the desi’s who really kept up with their cultural heritage by spending their summers in India.

Now that I am living life comfortably in my 30’s.   I see that every desi  has a different life plan and destiny.  When you go through life, you realize that your social experiences and genetic makeup are different and the same things will not necessarily happen to you as they happen with someone else who was born and raised in America.   After all, the only real similarities that our parents had with each other was that they wanted to come to America and start a better life for themselves.  That by anybody’s standards does not constitute similarity or community for that matter.

When I used to attend desi events, I use to see different cliques of desis from different parts of India (coming with their family friends and/or relatives, who they have known since birth) with a keen interest in trying to possess the culture and establish the “norms” and “rules” of the organization that they were attending.

However, the norms would just be represented by those people, from their community in India brought from their parent’s generation 30 years ago.  Everyone believed in their sense of right and wrong and no one took the time to listen to other people’s opinions or responses.  I have seen people start attending desi events at the age of 22 and walk out at the age of 40 in the same boat as when they started.  Leading me to believe that the only thing they gained through the years is age…not wisdom.

Desi Community Connections or Delusions?

Can desi  community connection be found in America or have we just deluded ourselves into believing that our viewpoints make up what is right and no one else’s really matters?  If you want my take on the whole situation, I believe that generation X and desi community connection in social settings do not go hand in hand.

I have noticed that desis who have a strong sense of cultural identity through their family friends have a stronger support system than those who try and meet desis independently through singles events.  When we are going through a rough patch, we automatically seek out people who are in the same boat as us or in similar circumstances as us.  We all have a sense of what is right and wrong, but it doesn’t  necessarily mean that we relate to other desis who appear to be struggling with the same issues as us.

Just because we are dealing with the same issues does not necessarily mean that we are alike or connected through the community.  Through the years, I have seen so many different scenarios of people that it really doesn’t make us closer.

I have seen people that attend desi events and hang with their parent’s friend’s children at the event, are connected via facebook, yet never speak unless they are at some family function or Netip event.

I have seen very “traditional” Indian girls get married to a Caucasian, who enjoys doing bhangra and other Indian folk dances.  I have seen Indian girls married to a Caucasian and not really interested in keeping up with their cultural heritage.  I have seen desi girls who just couldn’t catch a break and are discriminated by both Indians and Americans.

I have seen Indian girls, born and raised in America, who feel no connection with Americans and are just waiting for an Indian guy to date and that never happens.  I have also seen desi girls born and raised in America who just find themselves attracted to men who come from India.  I have seen many desi women married to very loving and romantic desi men.

The list goes on and on…..bottom line is we all have unique experiences and have to make do with our cards.  No two people have the same cards or the same life experiences.  We all have a different comfort level, genetic makeup and social experiences that lead us to process experiences and emotions differently.

Desi cultural connection is not an easy concept to understand or find.  However, I hope everyone out there finds beauty and peace within themselves.

xoxo

Monica Marwah

( Monica Marwah is a 30-something school psychologist  in Philadelphia.  After wandering the singles scene for years, she learned invaluable lessons on life, dating and relationships.  Now comfortably living life in her 30’s, she is sharing her own experiences on what it is like to break away from the traditional desi trend and live a life of your own. )

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