Desi Relationships – Love, Marriage, Divorce…
The issue of relationships is omnipresent – it hovers universally like air, a ghost, like God or just plain and simple atmosphere. Many of us Indians think that mother-in-law issues (that create the fodder for umpteen soaps here) are typical to our country. I know they are not. It is a worldwide epidemic! So are matters of the heart related to husbands, parents, children and siblings.
One of my friends in the States is a head turner. Not only is she unrealistically stunning but also an extremely bright and successful lawyer. She is just the woman we all aspire to be. But what meets the eye is in sheer contrast to the life she leads. At home with her husband she is a subdued woman who does not dare speak – her life is run more in fear than in the worship she so obviously deserves. She sees her precious china destroyed under stamping giant feet if the dessert with the coffee is not to his liking! Makes me wonder – does my friend really not know her worth or is the heart really that weak? She would rather please this one man than be pleased by a hundred others.
Although the rise in the number of single and divorced women in India is staggering, we still have millions of women like my friend all over. I have mixed feelings about this new development of singlehood. While I feel a bit saddened about us losing the rock solid foundations that our parents exemplified, I also have to own up to a guilt-ridden pride in these women.
They have finally learnt to say ‘Time Out’ and bid farewell to the person who wrote her name in the same list as his Wii, Xbox, IPad and such other commodities… Why wouldn’t she? She is an independent woman far from what her grandmother or mother used to be. She will just have to build that lost dream of companionship, love and friendship with hope once again. Maybe this man was a lesson well learnt.
When Relationships Sour
On that background, here is a personal thought. Lately I am haunted by a thousand riddles in my life. They go on to make a huge catalog of colored fears and doubts. Having to cope with them has its effects on my behavior with people. I lose my temper at the click of a finger and start a rant that leaves me breathless – only to regret it later. People I love the most transform into punch bags in my head and God – do I hurt them!
And then the thought creeps in – What if I am left alone to deal with my lot? What if it turns out that my relationships do not have that supernatural ingredient that will glue these people in the roles they are playing now? What if I am unconsciously creating a situation that will trap me forever?
Of course there is something that can control the whipping tongue and divert its path and I don’t even have to trek the Himalayan range to get it! It’s with me all the time and I mean literally all the time. It stays tucked in within the hardest part of my body – it’s the brain, or the mind, if you will. But why does it not listen to me? How can I get on top of it instead of letting it get on top of me?
Finding Solutions…
It was not long before the start of a solution came to me in the form of a glowing Yogi who Sulekha and I met a few days back. She spelled out a magic mantra for us even though she did not know what I was going through at the time. “When you are stressed”, she said, “Breathe ‘Aum’ in and breathe ‘Aum’ out. It releases you and makes you more peaceful.” It really was the magic spell she promised it would be!
Thanks to her I now have the special ingredient I thought I always had. ‘Aum’ makes the combination of ‘Supernatural’ Love and Trust even stronger – the strongest… If nothing it gives me a moment to consider what I am going to say or do. After a while of practicing this I realized that the conscious effort that it took was slowly becoming my nature. I wasn’t so bad after all – all I needed was a leash.
A marketing consultant by profession, I like to think I am a happy person who can make a difference in people’s lives. Absolutely love to travel and am nuts about my family. I write to hear my thoughts and to see what people have to say about them. I blog at http://kriti-howaboutthis.blogspot.com/
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30 Comments
Awww Mari – thank you!
Excellent words!
Leena – I am so very very happy for you… I hope there are more women out there who are reaching their destinations right and proper… Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
Kriti and Lavina – Thank you so much for this website and for having such an open and honest dialogue. Another important thing is it is very essential for parents to teach their girls self-esteem and self worth. We as women have to know our worth – and a worth that is not based on our titles, our income level, and our looks.
My Dad pounded into my head that no Indian man would consider marrying me until I made such and such an income and had such and such titles. Even after achieving all this, I still found it wasn’t good enough for these men! It’s only recently that I have met men who want to date me not b/c of superficial things, but because of my inner beauty and great personality.
It is so refreshing!
Thank you for your comment Dora. Those frogs are necessary for us to know the prince comes when he comes. But we must all remember that they are just what they are – FROGs.
Absolutely to the point Kriti. They say you have to kiss a few frogs before one finally becomes your prince and I’ve had my share of frogs. Abusive relationships are so demeaning they sometimes let you feel that you really are that small, stupid and silly. And we can all talk and we can all comfort but until the woman involved puts her foot down and says no more, only then does the cycle break. It’ll be painful but in the long run it’ll be ever so worth it. Great writing as always. Much love.
oh la la Debra – that definitely is every woman’s man! Thank you so very much for visiting me here. An important tip that – “follow your heart, but don’t forget to take your brain with you”.
A well written piece on an important topic: relationships. All women should remember this advice: Follow your heart, but don’t forget to take your brain with you. And don’t fall for some jerk. Get a life, with or without the jerk. Find someone like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic, who held Rose’s hand in the ice cold water on the makeshift raft until the bitter end. That’s my kind of man.
@Rimly – we surprise ourselves with such silly stuff right. Ron is a superb child – he makes me so very proud! Yes Savira was indeed the Yogi – she is just so fantastic! Thanks for coming by Rimly : )
@Swati – yes start please – its something one can do even without any issues in life I guess. Why not? One of these days we all will meet Savira and ask her more questions : )
@Lavina – Om Namah Shivayam is in fact the most powerful chant ever – it seeps into your anger/ego and destroys it even while you are chanting it. Rage dissipates even before you realize it. In times of fear I actually also say “Hail Mary” a lot. Was taught that in Catholic school : )
I am sure that special yogi was Savira. So many of us stick on to these relationships I suppose in the hope that it might work out or things will be better. But in reality we are all victims of abuse. Your friend is smart, beautiful and independent and yet she lives in fear at home. I really don’t know what makes us women put up with it. I had done that for 10 years and till today when I look back I cannot find one single answer as to why I stayed that long. I still do go off my leash and Ron is usually the brunt. I should follow your advice and start this practice. Thank you for sharing this gorgeous goddess.
Thank you for reminding me…I’ve been feeling like I’ll snap any minute lately. I’ll do the Aum too now…what a lovely article…
Kriti – this is a really interesting discussion – I find chanting – no matter what the mantra – seems to help as it clears your mind of all the unproductive thoughts and fills it with peace. I find ‘Om Namo Sivaya’ a very powerful chant.
@Sonia – well all I can say without reading your 2nd book is Thank God you are out of it now. I hope you are living it up and making up for all the lost time. Thank you so much for coming by.
@Tapas – couldn’t agree more with you about the family system bit. So glad you approve of my mantra – means a lot to me. Love that you came by and commented. Thank you so much!
@Stuart – my friend is beautiful inside out. She has an unbelievably good heart and I have advised her with your words more times than I can remember – but you know people do what they have to do in cases like this. Thank you so much for your comment!
Hello Jim, who takes pretty pictures – I wish emotions were as easy to handle as that. Life would definitely be much simpler if they were but … In my friend’s case she should have reached way beyond emotions by now and walked out but she continues to stay with no one else but hope. Thank God some of us don’t have to be in her shoes but that also means we really don’t know what it takes. I for one definitely don’t. Thank you so much for your thoughts Jim! Always appreciate your comments.
@Maureen – I just loved Shantaram myself. Gregory really is dead on with those words. Wish we could discuss the whole book at length. Thank you so much for your comment.
@Corrine – wow Thank God for the delay in the disaster! I am so happy that you freed yourself of the nightmare that was to happen. Yes Savira taught me the mantra and it has worked really well for me. Thank you so much for being here.
Yes, indeed many of us stay in bad relationships out of tradition, fear and a false sense of security. It took eleven years for me to say enough and get out. My second book deals with this and it is my most painful but most loved. Great post. Very revealing.
Kriti – You have put in a nutshell the most contributing factor that led to the collapse of joint family system globally – the war of attrition between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Again, male chauvinism and female impatience together have had the most telling effect in aggravating relationship between husbands and wives. ‘Aum’ indeed is that pause and ponder mantra that can save many a relationship. I am one with you there for I do believe. God Bless
Kriti: I’ve always wondered why anyone stays with a mate that is abusive. If not being physically hurt but psychologically abused…just what happens? I have known a number of friends who are stuck in that cycle.
Tell your lawyer friend there are good men out there; she doesn’t have to take it. Her being beautiful, btw, is only the outside draw anyway. Looks can be deceiving.
Too many women and I am guessing men stay in relationships out of fear. Fear of retaliation, fear of economic hardships, fear of the children being in a one parent home, fear of what people will say and the biggest fear of men that women don’t know is the fear of being alone! I wonder how many stay together because they are happy and in love! If your partner does not make you feel great about life and yourself …..leave. Leave for yourself, for your children and for your friends. No friend wants you to suffer and most know that you should leave way before you do!
Then again I could be wrong! What do I know, I am just a guy who takes pretty pictures lol
Trying to navigate the intricate web of our relationships is a very difficult task – one that is exceptionally worthwhile though! My favorite book ever is about India. It’s called Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. In it he writes something along the lines of, “We are defined by who we love and our reasons for loving them.” I think he’s dead on.
Thanks for such an insightful post, and something to think about!
I see so many women like the one you mentioned, Kriti. About 8 years ago, I would have been shocked as to why they stay on in these relationships. That was when I got into one myself – I thought I needed someone so much that I could bear him putting me down – I marveled at how honest he was with me! To my good luck, I didn’t marry him (the best thing that he did was delay marriage!). And then one day, I snapped out of it – I learned that I had to love myself and I deserved much better. What I also took away from this relationship was a special understanding of how other women could be trapped this way.
Thank you for sharing about the phase you are going through – I’m sure it’s the stress of moving and settling that’s getting to you. I’m glad you’ve learned a skill that will ease your stress. Stay cool, you lovely woman 🙂
@ Savira – thank you for coming by – you know the role you played here right? Thank you so much in more ways than one : )
@Mitr – thank you – you always know how to make me feel loved and understood.
A peek into the heart of a special soul… Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts.
Man is a knot into which relationships are tied. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Mitr you have chosen a wonderful topic for your post, relationships do make our world go round.All of us feel the same things and go through the same soul-searching but you have managed to express it all so nicely, great post…