Desi Singles – Why Not an Arranged Marriage?
I’ll go for a ride on your jelly roll…but I won’t give you nothing from my soul….
-Anonymous from the movie “Body Shots”
Desi Women and desi men are biologically and sexually driven. However are they looking at things from from the same point of view? Can desi men and desi women coexist in harmony? Is it even possible for desi men and desi women to secure both aspects of themselves into a healthy and positive relationship? Especially since meeting desi people naturally has become next to obsolete since our college days. How do we do it? How do we combine our history with our future. Can we do it? Are we doing it? Or is it God’s will for single desi’s to spend their life trying to find themselves.
Even though we are close to our cultural roots, we aren’t as close as we might think. There is a whole social experience that goes along with being desi and Indian and it doesn’t involve knowing the details of our roots. I have gone out with desi men where interviewing perspective prospects seem to be a norm. However being the “Americanized” desi woman that I am, I feel that that process of choosing perspective mates is no longer applicable to the women coming from a desi family but evolved into her own person with her own needs.
Do Desi Men Shun Intimacy?
As I look back to dates who have interviewed me – past dates have either stayed single and continued with their one date rendezvous; gotten an arranged marriage from India, married a family friend they have known for years (and believe me looks don’t matter); or had their parents set up a marriage to carry on the family name.
What is going on with the majority of desi men? Are they purposely shunning intimacy or are they unable to establish healthy intimacy? Are they operating on a different time table than the female desi? Are they thinking about family and the circle of life? What about happiness for themselves and for their partner? Are they considering their future? Do they know what real partnership is like?
My friend and I were discussing arranged marriages versus love marriages. Who ends up happier, people in arranged marriages who stay or people in love marriages? As a product of an arranged marriage, I wanted things differently but the same as how I grew up- does that make sense? My attraction patterns were set in the beginning of life so I often looked for the highly educated desi with a great job and a certain personality-turning him into my Romeo was the tough part.
Romeo, Romeo where art thou Romeo?
The man who loves passionately and completely is the man I am looking for. As time progressed, I found that this wasn’t easy. As a matter of fact, it boiled down to luck and opportunity. Would I settle for an arranged marriage today? Not a chance. After living my own life and finding my own opportunities, I don’t think I would be capable of taking that kind of gamble.
Arranged Marriage or Love?
My friend offered a different perspective; she believed that people in love would stay married for the length of the commitment. The moment the man changes, she has the right to re-evaluate her decision and opt to get out. It doesn’t matter if children are involved. I offered my own insight on women from an arranged marriage. In my opinion, obstacles are going to come and test a woman’s faithfulness to her husband, her vows and emotional strength.
A women in an arranged marriage (from our parent’s generation), sticks it out through the good and tumultuous times (the ones that I have known), and believe me there are plenty of rocky times. I have heard so many women complain about arranged marriages, that it often leads me to ask the question “Why don’t you get out?”
Answers vary, some say because of money, others because they love him and others say because their family would disapprove. Thank God, I am financially and emotionally independent. Depending on the opinions, moods and approval of a man is not what I am seeking out. I am looking for companionship and soul mate connection. What about you? What are you looking for?
I think a successful life mainly depends on how you would like to spend your life. Happily married; Unhappily married; Single and Searching; Divorced and Searching; Divorced and raising kids-without the complication of a man ; Divorced with kids-looking for a man; single mother being supported by a man; Single and raising kids or Single and not looking. Life is all about how you want to spend your life and there is no right or wrong answer.
It is always interesting to learn what the men have to say. Dustin Hoffman once said that he prefers marriage to be arranged and called family “unnatural”. Here’s what he had to say:
“There is nothing more unnatural than family or marriage. That’s why they’re both so difficult. You just wake up and suddenly clunk, you’re ready. ‘Okay, I guess that’s it.’
Arranged marriages I think make a lot of sense because you’re not under the pressure of being in love. It’s an easy contract. You don’t have to like each other and then whatever happens, happens.”
Desi Single – A Life of One’s Own
Hmm…interesting thought. I know I wouldn’t be happy with that. As a matter of fact, I would much rather spend my entire life searching for a love that isn’t there for me, than settling for a guy that I don’t love or doesn’t love me. I can’t settle with a guy that I am not into just for the cultural bounds of marriage. That is where my evolution has taken place by being born and raised in America. I can’t imagine being forced to live with someone where their habits are just plain annoying
I also can’t imagine living the later part of my life adjusting to a man that I didn’t really know that well before I got married. It isn’t in me biologically. Keep in mind, when our parents got married and migrated to America, marriage was a necessity – now it is choice – a choice to live happily – or unhappily – in holy matrimony.
My parents migrated to America so that I would have a better chance at life – to make my own choices and to discover a life and personality that is my own. I mean personally why would I want to go back to tradition, when I am so used to living on my own terms. For me, I have just seen too much to go back and live a life where I haven’t seen enough.
This generation of desis, needs to know that women and men are about equality and getting to know people for who they are instead of an idea about what they should be. If people aren’t putting in the time and effort involved in getting to know a person for who and what they are and thinking “interviewing” is as good as it gets. Well, thank God for my freedom of thought and choice. I have been saved.
xoxo
Monica Marwah
Monica Marwah is a 30 something single school psychologist who enjoys living life to the fullest. She is taking her experience and showing others how to believe in themselves and love themselves completely. After years of dating and meeting people, she has come into her own. Spirituality has been a foundation for self improvement for her and she is hoping to encourage people to embark upon a spiritual journey at this age.
Related Posts:
The Failproof Desi Guide to Relationships
Desi Relationships – Heartbreak Hotel
Desi Girl’s Guide to Living Single and Loving It
Is Living in Sin the New Desi Thing?
5 Comments
The hustle and bustle of living in the USA makes for little spare time to look for love….but having said that, there is no way that you should settle for a desi guy. These guys are usually boors and obnoxious MCPs who will run home to mother when confronted by a strong well-educated lass like you.
Such guys also are the world´s biggest hypocrites…having experimented with many over the years, sexually speaking, they now want vestal virgins.
They will also be resentful if you are more qualified than them or make more bucks and your life will not be a bed of roses.
Like most of us kids of Indian parents who came here as babies or were born here, you seem to be caught in a cross-cultural divide. Our parents´marriage, arranged as it was, has lasted years, with relatively minor ups and downs. We see them and wistfully wish the same for us…but we were brought up HERE and unlike our mothers who basically had no choice, we DO.
So forget about the desi dudes, girl…go for what makes YOU happy. Oh sure, the sensitive desi dudes are out there, who will love you for who you are, but they are a VERY rare species….believe me, I know.
Meanwhile, as the good book says, have a fun time “interviewing” till you hit the right mix of fun, laughter, sensitivity and great sex. Or as many of these as you are comfortable with…and you will not find them in the Indian community.
Hee, hee…sounds awful, but it is time we speak out….no more of this sweet and cutie pie stuff that Indian men expect.
What they routinely do, we can do also….perhaps much better.
Monica, great post, love your attitude.”I would much rather spend my entire life searching for a love that isn’t there for me, than settling for a guy that I don’t love or doesn’t love me.” Well said…:)
Wow, nice blog! Marriage is difficult as it is. My mother escaped arranged marriage and ran off here to America with the man she loved. Despite all family hardship, almost 50 yrs later they are still happily wed. They vowed not to bring up arranged marriage to me or my sisters. My sisters are happily married, love marriage. The secret: Find someone who has the same ideals, same values and customs that are most important to you. Everything else will be compromise.
As the years go by, people do change, children come into play, but as long as the ideals and solid stuff is there, your love and respect for each other will get you through. So the first step: Find someone who values the word marriage. I think that is the hardest part. There are way too many options and opportunities here in this department, which can weaken those who do not value vows. (P.S: I love reading your blog)—any other tips for a long, loving marriage?
As usual, I love, love, love your blog. I love that you are independent and not willing to settle. I too am happy single but sometimes feel I have to get married just to shut everyone up. I’m of course going to wait for the right man…but I’m sure you know what I mean.
Looking forward to your next blog 🙂
Nice post. 🙂