Is Living in Sin the New Desi Thing?
And I am not surprised….
According to a survey from Pew Research Center and Time Magazine, only half of Americans are getting married, which is down from 72 percent in 1960.
And 40 percent of US adults think marriage is obsolete!
“Marriage has always been obsolete,” said Tammy Infusino, a NYC musician. “People have been cheating forever. It’s more about what you have with who you are with, not what you call it.”
Marriage has decreased for the most part around 20-somethings. Two years ago, 26 percent of adults under 30 were marriage compared with 68 percent in 1960.
“Kids today are afraid of commitment because most of their parents’ marriages have failed or have been unhappy,” said retired teacher Theresa Piccola.
Cohabitation has doubled since 1990, while 44 percent of those surveyed said they’ve lived with their significant other at some point.
Marriage may be on the outs but love still exists. 93 percent of people said love was the primary reason to wed.
Looking Desi, Feeling Un-desi
As a unique Indian-American, I have had the advantage of living my own life and shaping my own ideas. As a young child growing up, I struggled with my Indian-American identity. I looked like a desi, but my ideas grew from my own thoughts and perceptions-which were definitely not typical desi. I never followed the traditional desi mold, nor did I ever care what others thought of my own opinions. I consider myself to be smart and savvy and I speak my own mind, leaving little to the imagination….
If you had asked me at the age of 22, if I believed in marital bliss, I would have said “Hell yes and I definitely plan on getting it.” After years of self discovery, constant change and learning about people via singles events, internet, friends of friends and countless personal experiences, my attitude and mindset did a 360 degree turn.
Marriage does not mean the same thing as it did when I was younger. Let’s get one thing straight: I was never one of those gals who talked incessantly about marriage and just believed that I should find any desi man who says yes and settle down. I wanted my partner to find and cherish me (and I would do the same to him). Sure I was idealistic, but happiness ranked high on my list of to do’s and nothing was going to stop me from that.
After having falling in love a few times and talking to friends who have had steady partners or have divorced right after their I do’s , I came to discover that marriage doesn’t necessarily mean happily ever. So the question remains is “Why is every desi obsessed with the concept of marriage?”
Why are desis obsessed with marriage?
Doesn’t marriage mean forever? Through thick and thin? Till death do us part? Why are so many people rushing to the altar without realizing what kind of commitment they are making. If you don’t feel you know someone that well, then what is the rush? Wouldn’t you rather have someone leave you before the “I do’s” than afterwards? I believe that one should live together before the vows (a.k.a living in sin) than go through the legalities of divorce proceedings when something goes wrong in your union. Because, believe me when I say this, something will go wrong at some point because this is life and curveballs are coming your way…..
Living Together …
So my desi friend was seeing this guy, who casually suggested that they live together. She was taken aback because all her other friends were engaged and as of late, she was dreaming of a gorgeous rock on her ring finger. It was kind of unconventional but she agreed to it. Wow, people are different once you live with them for a few weeks. The moment she moved in with him, he expected her to do all the cooking, cleaning and vacuuming. His responsibility was lazing out by the pool, reading the paper and the worst thing of all- he never put down the toilet seat. However, he was a blast to hang out with…if you were one of the guys. She felt as though she had to entertain him and his guy friends on a daily basis. Enough is enough; she demanded that she get her money back on the deposit she put down for their condominium.
Three’s Company?
One of my Indian-American guy friends was telling me a story about how he asked his then girlfriend to live with him. She was his hottest girlfriend to date. However the stories he use to share with me regarding this chick were to die for….she never wore clothes in the apartment they shared together (meaning she walked around naked at all times, even during winter months). She use to cook naked, do the dishes naked, vacuum naked, sleep naked and demand that they have threesomes with her gorgeous single girlfriends. He was down with that, the only problem was the intense jealousy she had after their shared threesomes….he couldn’t handle her fragile emotional state or jealous rages, therefore living in sin was not the best thing….
What will Mom & Dad & all the Relatives in India Think?
Last night I was talking to one of my desi girl friends…she was in a state of crisis. Her boyfriend of two years has been hesitant about getting married, however he suggested they try to live together to see if they can handle the stressors of the daily grind. My friend’s biggest fear was her ENTIRE family would know that she wasn’t a virgin before marriage. How embarrassing. I told her to break the news in a public setting, therefore embarrassing arguments can’t escalate to the point of no return. She took my advice and sure enough an argument progressed. Her mother’s biggest concern was why buy the cow, if you can get the milk for free?? My friend was speechless….
A changing world calls for changing union of trust. Living together could be a way to avoid the hassles of prenups, splitting up assets and irreconcilable differences. I mean marriage isn’t a binding contract anymore….or is it?
Desi Melodrama
One of my Indian-American girlfriends who lives in New York City met this fabulous UNEMPLOYED Investment Banker. He was smart, intelligent and awesome in bed. My friend was in love. She actually wasn’t doing so badly herself monetarily. She had a nice job on Wall Street earning six figures. Months went by and her honey still couldn’t find a job. I mean who can in this economy?…because he was so great, she usually paid on their dates. I mean they don’t make men like that anymore.
My friend was absolutely thrilled when he asked her to move in with him. Life would be so great, amazing vacations, togetherness at ALL times, and best of all, she wouldn’t have to deal with the dating scene. Even though they weren’t married, she gave him access to her finances. After all she trusted him, so why not? Well, I will tell you why: when they are usually that perfect, they actually aren’t. It turns out he was withdrawing a certain amount of money from her account each month and stashing it in his own private account in the Cayman Islands. By the time she found out, he was on his way to the Bahamas with packed bags and a hot cocktail waitress by his side…..
Marriage – or Else!
Another one of my desi guy friends met this girl at a bar. People usually don’t want to meet that way, but where else do you meet? They hit if off right away. She was extremely sweet, offering to help him at all times. She practically took care of him. She let him choose the restaurants, he made all the plans and she just went along with everything.
My friend was struggling to find a girl that was compatible with his interests, so he was absolutely thrilled when he met her. She was compliant and simple. He often complained to me that woman aren’t that easy gong compared to his sweetie. This girl was desperate to get married and she was willing to do anything to get a ring. My friend, on the other hand was cautious, he felt that living together first was a better option. After 6 months of dating they got a place together.
After about four months of heavenly bliss, this girl’s personality changed for the worst. She never wanted to hang out. She didn’t enjoy any of the things he enjoyed. She wanted to sleep and watch TV all day and every day. They barely had anything to talk about. She then offered the ultimatum: ‘Marry me or I have to find someone else. My parents are bothering me big time about marriage and it needs to happen now.’ My friend chose to let her go, as phony people need a little more time to discover themselves and make their own choices in life.
An Unhappy Ending…
So my Indian-American girl friend was living with this guy who was awesome. Seriously, this guy was perfect, athletic, smart, charming and a high earner. A great bedroom partner and soul mate. After their 24 hour sex romps they often watched porn together. That should be enough for him right? WRONG…..one day my friend got home early from work and opened her sweetie’s credit card bill. On it were various charges at different hotel rooms in their own city. My friend confronted her man. He immediately opened up about various flings that he was having. If that wasn’t shocking enough, he made a revelation that monogamy is not something he is physically able to do…he is an addict…a sex addict. Just because the relationship was over didn’t mean the love had died….what were her options in a situation like this?
Desi Romance: It Does Sometimes Lead to Forever
Finally a great and rare story, my Indian-American girl friend was telling me about her live-in boyfriend the other day. And yes, even I was jealous. This guy was unbelievable. They went out for two years, and were living together for one year. Last weekend, they got engaged. This guy cooks and cleans for both of them. She doesn’t mind picking up after him and he doesn’t mind picking up after her. He also surprises her with breakfast in bed on occasion. She surprises him with spontaneous weekends to the shore. He loves spending time with her and vice versa. They don’t see past each other. He takes her on lavish vacations and he has effective communication skills. He knows her and loves her for who and what she is and she loves him more than life itself. I have never seen two people truly, madly and deeply in love. It’s awesome….
Marriage isn’t totally obsolete. There is a segment of this population committed and forgiving towards their partners. They are in it for the long haul and they do work as a couple. They are partners for life and they do have beautiful children together.
As you all know, life is challenging, working things out with a totally different person is on a whole new level. Not everyone can do it. The key to a long lasting marriage is tolerance, acceptance and soul-mate connection. I sincerely hope that each and every one of you finds your true love and manages to find never-ending happiness.
XOXO
Monica
( Monica Marwah is a 30-something school psychologist in Philadelphia. After wandering the singles scene for years, she learned invaluable lessons on life, dating and relationships. Now comfortably living life in her 30’s, she is sharing her own experiences on what it is like to break away from the traditional desi trend and live a life of your own. )
Graphics: Lassitude/Lavina Melwani
The Failproof Desi Guide to Relationships
What do you think? Are parents accepting this? Any anecdotes to share?
