Chatty Divas
An Indian Story: The Surrogate Mother
I have become a kind of connoisseur in the contrast and similarities of India vs US living. In fact, I find I’ve become a magnet for peculiar stories around the subject since I started writing this blog!
I recently had a few friends over for drinks. Among them was this couple who had recently had twins through a surrogate mother. Surrogacy as a subject has intrigued me as an option to couples who find themselves at the end of the road. I am amazed by the many layers of emotions that go into the lives of the people who choose this as a method to have a family.
My head often brims with questions whenever the topic comes up and here I was face to face with the parents of surrogate twins for the first time. I naturally channeled all my attention on them and shamelessly bombarded them with unadulterated, embarrassing questions.
This was an Indian couple based in the US who chose an Indian surrogate mother. They even managed to get the surrogate mother to stay in their parents’ house in India so they could keep a close eye on her health and needs. They spoilt her to the core and treated her like a queen.
The Surrogate and a Sonogram
The crisis started when the sonogram of her womb showed twins. She threatened to walk out on them if she wasn’t paid double the amount they had agreed on. My friends were at the risk of losing their sanity along with their children if they didn’t cough up the amount that was demanded.
It was a nightmare worse than they had ever gone through and those nightmares were hell as it were. This was their only dream and she was their only hope. After weeks of persuasion and gallons of tears they reached a compromise and she agreed to give them the twins for a considerable rise in the payment. My friends gathered as much financial help as they could to see their babies and settled down to wait for their arrival.
Manav, the husband returned to his job in the US while Priya stayed on to look after the woman who would perform the miracle that she couldn’t. She was thrilled and oozing excitement in every step.
They lived apart for six months when suddenly there were complications and the surrogate mother had to be taken in for an emergency C section. The twins were delivered but they were far from any comprehensible human form. Both were put in ventilators while syringes were pierced in their brand new skins to keep them alive.
In India, The Milk of Human Kindness
After a couple of months in this state one twin seemed to stabilize and respond to formula while the other developed an allergy to any kind of nutrition given to him. He would immediately throw up everything that was put in his system. Manav and Priya were again thrown into abysmal grief. Priya was beyond any consolation when the doctor announced that breast milk was the only thing that provided a safe option.
Manav was frantic! “Where the hell am I going to get breast milk from?” he screamed. Priya started weeping all over again. That night Manav took his burdened shoulders, bloodshot eyes and throbbing head out of the hospital to find respite in a smoke.
In the comfort of his own solitude he allowed his tears to flow freely. His throttled sobs must have been audible because when he lifted his head he was face to face with Dharam ji, the security head of that wing in the hospital. Dharam ji did not ask any questions and simply put an assuring hand on Manav’s shoulder. That was enough – Manav spluttered his entire saga to Dharam ji.
“Itni si baat hain? (Is that all?)” was Dharamji’s reassuring response. I am told that since then Manav and Priya were showered with breast milk from all the rooms that had new mothers. Their story spread like wildfire and every new mother in that hospital took up the challenge of keeping this baby alive.
Every room in that wing not only gave the initial bottle of their breast milk to the baby but even inquired about refills after. The baby miraculously took to the milk and survived. He is 7 months now and a handsome toddler with the energy of more than 30 mothers in him.
When Manav and Priya took their babies back to their parents’ house, their freezers were full of breast milk from new mothers from all over who knew their story. That baby had an over-fill and never had to run out of the only thing that he could tolerate.
Mother India
This incident had such a powerful impact on the new parents that they moved to India for good. Their hearts filled with gratitude to India and its mothers, they were suddenly guilt-ridden about ever having chosen to leave. Their son was the son of Indian soil and they could never keep him away from it – especially because they believe that their son would have never had a chance at survival if they were anywhere else in the world.
We now joke that no one would challenge this baby with “agar ma ka doodh piya hain to bahaar aa (a common Hindi masala movie dialogue that challenges one’s masculinity literally translated as ‘if you have ever had mother’s milk – come out and fight’).
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63 Comments
This was a very refreshing article, reminding us that with every painful experience, we can also try to fill our memories with the positive aspects.
Everyone out there should have their fertility status checked (men and women), because fertility treatment — and in particular, surrogacy — costs a lot. It’s an uncomfortable income disparity issue that makes some lucky people feel guilty that they had enough money to fund treatment. But even if you have money, while your friends are buying their first apartment or investing wisely or going on vacations, you could also end up financially devastated for years. It’s worth it, but be aware.
I know, because my best friend had a baby via surrogacy in India two years ago. Between previous fertility treatments which hadnt worked, the surrogacy and associated costs, they are now almost penniless. They were both earning decent incomes — but because of fertility treatments, my friend had to cut down her hours. Then after the surrogacy birth, my friend had to actually quit her job. Why? It’s not commonly known, but visas for surrogate-born babies can take months — in my friend’s case, it took 8 months! If you dont have capable trusted relatives in India, or even if you do, you basically have to wait around until the visas come through, or go back and forth racking up airfare expenses until then. Once my friend was ready to return to work, the economy had tanked, and she’s been unable to find a job since then.
My friend and her husband (by the way they like others never had a real wedding because they had to start fertility treatments, and couldnt afford both, timewise or moneywise) have used up their entire savings to have this child, and at various times, maxed out their credit cards. The dont regret it at all, and feel it was worth it.
But at the same time, they probably wont be able to buy their own apartment for more than a decade at least. And this kid will never have any savings account for college, should he choose to go.
My friend’s family was supportive, and so were her friends. But on another level, everyone also asked “why are you spending this much money?” as if she were wasting it on gold laminated sunglasses.
I agree with all the commenters that infertility is one of the most stressful experiences one can go through, because unlike cancer, it’s not considered an ‘illness’ so one cannot talk about it in a similar way. Some people are sympathetic, but because of the costs associated with treatment, in general, society often regard women and men who spend their life savings on fertility treatment to be “selfish” or “think they’re better than the rest of us.” They think just because they can have sex and get pregnant no problem, anyone who can’t should just suck it up and be glad they’re alive. We need to change these attitudes.
Hi I was just doing a search about egg donation and India, and came across this wonderful blog. (I’m in UK). Thank you for this article, and heartfelt comments by all the women.
I am yet another diasporic woman who, along with my husband, am facing fertility problems. We’re not old at all (late 20s)!
I have only minor, fixable fertility problems myself (fallopian tube issues) but my husband’s sperm count has been getting lower and lower. So our only hope is sperm donation. But like Amber above, we are also an ethnic minority (Cochin Jews). As our community is supposedly dying out, we’ve always been mindful of helping to ‘increase’ our community. We never dreamed we’d have problems doing so. And so finding a sperm donor from our community, so we can feel a genetic connection, and be able to honestly tell the child what they are, is important. Even though sperm donation is much easier than egg donation, we havent found any clinics in India (forget about the UK, or even Israel) with donors from our community (or at this point, any Indian Jewish community). So it will be up to us to ‘advertise’ and find someone.
The saddest part of all this: We weren’t even able to have a proper wedding, because we had to start fertility treatments even before getting married, so we just had a quick ‘registry wedding’, thinking we’d get pregnant soon. I never even had a marriage proposal. We’d just learned about our fertility issues, and just talked about that in context of getting married. Several years later, we’re still childless, and have not had a public wedding. It’s not only heartbreaking whenever I hear of a child born to a friend; it’s heartbreaking every time I hear of a friend or even acquaintance who’s engaged or having a wedding.
I look forward to future articles about fertility issues, community-specific egg/sperm donation, and attitudes towards fertility treatment amongst South Asian diasporic communities.
Hi Amber, thanks for your detailed comments – will definitely look into this important issue with various hospitals while I’m in India, and also get Kriti’s input since she is now based in India.
I just saw this article. It’s one of the first I’ve seen not only about surrogacy in India re diasporic women, but also fertility re: diasporic women!
Lavina, it’s not just about women marrying later. Many women facing fertility issues have been looking and looking for a guy for years if not decades, in vain – knowing their fertility was declining through no fault of their own. Still others have already been trying fertility treatments for years and years, with no success. Additionally, genetics (many doctors informally say that South Asian women tend to hit menopause earlier than others), environmental toxins (xeno-estrogens), and the Pill (which masks most hormonal imbalances- even menopause- while you’re on it), are also factors.
Like some of the above women, I am currently considering egg donation. One issue affecting egg donation is physical resemble and/or ethnic/genetic connection. We thought India would be a likelier option to find better matches, but we are finding that for anyone seeking specific ethnic/genetic donors, the pickings are slim. (I’m Syrian Christian; trust me, NO fertility centre I’ve checked has donors of my ethnic background). It’s still a reality that many donors do it only for the money; so donors come from communities where there is more poverty. I’m told though that if one places community ads out there for one’s own community, one’s donor will be more likely to be doing it to help out. That is comforting. But we still haven’t found anyone.
There are countless fertility forums on the internet, but very few threads adequately address fertility issues as they affect diasporic South Asian women. And even fewer about treatment options in South Asia, for those who are exploring. So I’m glad you are thinking of more fertility-focused pieces in future.
Lavina, do take time in India to talk to various doctors at fertility centres/hospitals in Mumbai. Jaslok, Bloom/Lilavati, Rotunda, and Corion are just a few. I would also encourage you to think about a piece on egg and sperm donation, and also look at community-specific issues.
@Shivani – sorry for all your troubles! I wish it could be as simple as saying – “Take my egg” but I have never been taken too seriously on that matter : ). Hence like Lavina said, we will see what else we can dig out for you.
Shivani, will definitely work with Kriti on identifying sources and interviews for such a story. With women marrying later and later, there is certainly a need for addressing these issues.
Lavina is right, Kriti’s piece has touched a raw but welcoming nerve in a lot of women! Despite huge numbers of women (and men) facing fertility problems, there’s very little inspiring or helpful advice for South Asian diaspora women; and I thank you for this.
I echo Alia and others’ suggestions for additional pieces from Kriti and/or Lavina on South Asians and fertility. Especially egg donation.
I’m in my early 40s, and have been unsuccessfully trying to conceive for many years, both naturally and with medical help. I’ve put many aspects of my career on hold, and forsaken the dream of owning our own home. Currently we’re looking into egg donation.
Egg donation in the US is unaffordable for us. (US Donors, compensated $8,000+, are often young women who donate only for financial reasons, and before they have children of their own (possibly affecting future health). We looked at the UK (where we have relatives), cheaper, as legally donors can receive only £250 (due to rise to £750). But UK donor rates are very low, as the govt has abolished total anonymity (children at age 18 now have the right to receive donor info.
So now we’re looking at egg donation in India. It’s simpler than surrogacy, but still full of economic and class issues, and fear of situations like the story here. Also, it’s difficult to encourage community-specific egg donors in India, as some fertility acquaintances of mine are finding. I’d love to see posts or stories about these varied aspects of fertility options. Thanks!
@Lavina – anytime : )
@Alia – All the very best with your decision! I know its not going to be easy just don’t lose hope easily ok. Thanks a ton for your comment and filling all of us in on the comparative budgets of the countries. People like you make articles like mine so much more interactive and useful.
@Kara – thanks for the in-depth comment! We need many more women like yourself out there. To deal with career and its trials over and above challenges such as infertility is almost running against the wind! Hence salute to all your good work!
@Kriti, you seemed to have touched a raw nerve with this post. I guess so many women in their 30’s are now dealing with these issues.
@Zia – thanks for the links.
@Kara – thanks for the info.
I’ve been planning an in-depth piece on surrogacy ever since I did the story on adoption which got a lot of response from readers. I see a real need for information here.
I am traveling to India shortly and will definitely look into the options available for women who want to start a family. Kriti, thanks once again for addressing this issue and will discuss a possible piece with you.
Thanks for this article. My cousin in the UK used an Indian surrogate, and it worked out well; although Indian legal bureaucracy is hard, and she had to leave her child behind with relatives for 4 months, before paperwork came through.
After many heartbreaking years of trying to have a child via IVF, I myself am hoping to go to India for egg donation. I hope to get a more particular ethnic match, and it’s much less expensive than the US, and somewhat less expensive than the UK. It’s a much less stressful venture than surrogacy; but similar economic exploitation issues are possible. So I am wary. I’d love to see posts about diasporic South Asians going to India for egg donors.
My UK cousin says that most UK fertility doctors tell patients that menopause for South Asian women is often quite early. So ladies, do cherish – and use – your fertility, while you still have it.
Kriti, very interesting post. I’d encourage both you and Lavina to consider other posts or stories in future, regarding women and fertility; especially South Asian women. So many women of all backgrounds are turning to fertility treatment, yet are afraid to share their situations with others; so other women think fertility is nothing to worry about.
As an HR manager with a large company, I’ve worked with a staggering number of women in the workforce who face fertility issues. And yet most of them are unwilling to tell any colleagues, leading to a complete unawareness in our cultures of how common it is.
I’ve mediated health insurance disputes for treatment (most health insurance doesn’t cover IVF, egg donation, or surrogacy; but most DO cover IUI (inter-uterine insemination); and some cover drugs for IVF). I’ve arranged for work-from-home for women who needed to go to clinics often during the day.
I’ve even helped transfer several women seeking surrogacy to our offices in Florida and California, so while they had to bear the financial burden at least they could continue working.
Most of these women are NOT the stereotypical women who the media depicts as concentrating on their career until it’s too late to have a baby. These are strong powerful women who’ve either tried to find a partner for more than a decade, in vain (as many men are still afraid of strong women); or who have been trying to conceive naturally for years and years.
I support Aysha’s advice for women over age 30 to be aware that our fertility is not limitless. If you’re over 35, and have not had a chance to try to conceive, seriously consider getting basic hormone tests from your gyn (they are cheap blood tests; insurances should cover them), consider co-parenting with a trusted male friend, or consider being a single mother. I know it’s not fun, but if you want a child, you deserve one, no matter what. And it’s better to be informed.