The Indian Nanny: A Love Story
Back in 1943 my Dad was delivered at home by a Dai Ma (midwife). She took a keen interest in his upbringing from the time the world heard his first cry. That year of his life was shaped in the strict guidance of Dai Ma and what she said was sacrosanct even for my grandmother. She had the last say.
For the moist but proud eyes of Dai Ma it was a bleary farewell when Dad had to move with his family to another town. The ignorant heart of a toddler did not find anything amiss with the situation and so he gripped the finger of the future as tightly as he could and moved on. Over the next four years that they stayed away my Dad’s memories of her grew from blurry to non-existent.
When my Dad was five, the family returned to his birthplace for a visit. And sure enough they bumped into Dai Ma during one of the evening strolls which my grandmother would take her kids for. My father had two siblings, separated only by a couple of years from each other. Dai Ma’s piercing eyes started scanning the group urgently and only rested when she saw my Dad. She had no doubt that my Dad was the kid she had missed fervently all these years. My grandmother ordered my Dad to kneel down and touch his head on to her feet immediately and so he did. This was back in the 1940s.
The papers today almost have an entire section filled with crimes committed by help in every household! They either report the gruesome scenes of murder and rape or warn about the verification process that one must adhere to while hiring help. Parents are a constant vigil about nannies hired for their children. Sometimes they stand guard while the child is given a bath, or when they need a change of clothes. And I do not blame them. When I came back from the US I knew this was a battle I would have to fight too but the time came much sooner than expected.
After having settled moderately in my new home the tortuous task began and not without having to constantly listen to nightmarish experiences from all over. I felt sick to my stomach with fear at the thought of leaving my child with a stranger if I had to step out to work. I interviewed a scary number of applicants but finally stopped at a middle aged lady. Somehow, my heart ceased palpitating when she started to speak. Her gentle ways and soft-spoken words were comforting the untold fears hidden behind a mask of confidence. And when I realized she ended all her answers with a “beta” (meaning child) addressed to me I was bowled over! I hired her.
A couple of months have gone by since she became my two-and-a-half year old daughter’s “Janki Mashi” (Maternal aunties are called “Mashi” in Bengali). Janki Mashi has taken to her task with a passion. It’s almost as if she has pledged to raise my daughter to the most beautiful person. When she leaves to go home every evening she almost tears herself away from the home of the baby she has come to adore.
The only time I dread spending with my daughter is when I have to feed her. Not even the worst boss in my list of bosses tried my patience to the extent she stretches it! I have to transform myself from a girl to a joker to an elephant to a monster all to get her to swallow a spoonful of cereal. And it’s not just cereal she tests me with! One such fateful day, when I was in a tearing hurry to attend a conference call and Janki Mashi had not yet arrived, my daughter took it upon herself to make me climb the wall.
When I couldn’t take it anymore I almost slapped my child. Mashi came from nowhere to stop my hand from reaching its destination. And she pinned me with a stare that said “Don’t you dare!” I realized that I had left the door open so she could walk straight in and take over. I had to put my head down in shame!
I sometimes wonder am I the lucky one or are the times going back to what they used to be when nannies and midwives commanded the most respect in India. I wonder because Janki Mashi makes me feel protected and guided, she corrects me and teaches values to my child.
She comes from a very poor background but when I am careless with my money she keeps it tucked away somewhere safely! The practical me is not ready to let go off the guard yet my heart has completely accepted her as partner in raising my child. And my only hope is that my daughter never has to part with her like my Dad had to with Dai Ma. What with his belief that Dai Ma has actually come back to be his granddaughter’s guardian angel!
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30 Comments
@Sonia – thanks a ton! I wish they were not as unappreciated!
A beautiful tribute to forgotten and unappreciated care givers from our lives. Loved my Nanny growing up.
@Rigzin – thank you very much for your encouragement. Will definitely try to keep up… So glad you liked this piece.
@Janaaki – ahhhh that way – of course no Dai Mas stayed back – their job was only to deliver the baby but my Dad’s took an involuntary interest on him. She didn’t want money; just to be around you know… Thanks a ton for the clarification…
@Savira – your kids are lucky! My kid is too because either set of grandparents are usually around. Nothing compares to the love saga between them… How was the experince with your nanny? I am sure you have many fond memories… Thank you very much for coming by!
@Swati – thank you for the enouragement – feel safer now that you share my judgement obout Janki Mashi!
@Susan – I never really thought of it that way! But thinking of it now – it really is and now I feel even better than before : ). Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts!
…wonderful piece of writing Kriti..
..enlighten us with more of ‘ wonderful stories ‘ like these..
@Kirti…Of course, the babies were delivered by Dai maas or the midwives but that was it. They never stayed back to look after the baby after their job was done.
Great story Kriti… I myself grew up with a nanny while living in Malaysia… my kids did not have nanny but they had the presence of both their grandmothers…
It never ceases to amaze me how you create such exquisite stories from everyday commonplace happenings! I’ve thought the same things about Janki Mashi, but the way you’ve weaved it into a heart-warming story is fantastic. I agree Janki Mashi is the perfect thing. God bless her, and my darling little baby! 🙂
Finding someone to take care of children and the house is almost like finding someone to get married to. I’m glad that you found the right person.
This story touched me on different levels.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Joy always,
Susan
@Martha – thanks a ton! So glad you liked the story…
A touching and beautiful story, Kriti . . . I am happy, too, that you found such a caring, loving person to help with your daughter.
Blessings!
@Rimly – Yes that’s what I think too! I may be just plain lucky! Thanks a ton for coming by…
@Sulekha – yes I remember! So glad you share my judgement about her. THank you so much!
@Andy – why are you doing this to me : (. On a seriuos note that is the fear of a lot of mothers too. They think the nanny might replace them. In fact it was just today I was having this conversation with a friend of mine who felt that way. This is what I told her – A mom is a mom is a mom. And it is upto me to find ways for my child to think the same way.
@Sukanya – wow did she really? Isn’t there any way of looking for her? Your story reminds of book “Help”… How very sad! Thank you very much for coming over!
@Melissa – LOL a “noble calling” indeed : ). Your mom really must be a saint. I want to cry sometimes – and then I wonder how can something so small make you get so frustrated! It reminds me of the story of the elephant and the ant… Thanks for coming by!
@Janaki – really? Didn’t know about the expensive bit… so who delivered the child if the mother chose not to go to a hospital?? Thanks for coming by!
@Belina – No I am no putting my guard down yet and probably never will. But am just too amazed by her is all. As of patience – it runs out sometimes : (. Thank you very much for coming by!
@Archena – first of all thanks for sharing a bit of your life with us about the topic and mostly for coming by. Mothers and In – Laws are just great when they visit but even then its convenient to have some great help around. Then grandparents can sit back and enjoy the kids’ company without having to be responsible for their every little need. After all in their age they are half children anyway : )). You were really lucky though… and I am too – knock wood real hard!
So glad to know you found someone trustworthy for your daughter. I know we read a lot about nannies committing heinous crimes but there is also good amongst all the evil and I am so happy that you found a good soul in Janki Mashi
Kriti, I have met Janki Mashi and witnessed her sweet and loving nature. Remember, she had invited me to spend the night at your place when I was there one evening. She is great with Guni too, touch wood. Lovely and sensitive article, Mitr, loved it.
Hello Kriti.
I’m not a parent, but I understand your concerns about nannies. I have seen the shows on the TV with hidden cameras & the horrors some nannies inflict on their charges. Pretty scary!
We never had nannies…too poor to afford them…but I was raised in a household with a lot of women, so we really didn’t need a nanny.
You are one of the fortunate ones to have found someone trustworthy with whom to leave your child. If I were a parent, my other concern (I would have many) would be that the nanny might somehow start to take the place of mom in my child’s life.
Wishing you the best & hope things work out. Lovely post.
Thanks for sharing.
Kriti, I too had such a wonderful dai-ma – Tara Didi. And i too left when my parents moved away to another state when i was 8. Although I cried, I was too naive to understand why she screamed and howled and ran after the car as far as she could. But I did realize and still now I dream of her where, her small wizened face morphs into my beautiful mother’s face and I can’t distinguish between the two.
Wow! What a love story. I agree that it’s difficult to find someone you could trust. My siblings chose my mom to be their kids’ nanny. I’m my mom’s assistant 🙂
I do understand how you feel with what you have shared. It takes an incredible amount of patience with children. And when I do feel peeved, my mom would tell me to breathe and love the kids more.
I think it’s also a vocation and for that cheers to those who choose such a noble calling.
Nice post. We had our grandmas and grandpas around. Dai Ma was a rare concept in the south…only the rich could afford.
I would also say that you are the lucky one but don’t let your guard down for the sake of your child! Feeding a child always tests our patience whatever the age maybe. So patience is your mantra as the years roll by.
Thanks Kriti for sharing such a wonderful experience.
My daughter is now 11 and my son is 2 and 1/2. I am lucky to have my mother-in-law with me while both were born and have grown up.
It is great to hear that you have found Janki Mashi for your little one.
We all know how bad times are these days and it is just so great that things work out so well.